Cheeseburger Helper

I ate my comfort food (McDonald’s) for lunch yesterday. I couldn’t help it – I ran to that red and yellow building and had a cheeseburger and an extra-large diet Coke.  Why, you may ask? 

I’ll tell you why.  No, better than that, I’m gonna write a little back-yard Spanky and Our Gang play for you. 

Imagine the setting.  Me in my little grey cubicle with my phone headset digging into my ear.  My glasses are askew.  My hair is sticking up on one side of my head and I have two ragged fingernails.  My voice is deep and strained from talking to over 500 people since Monday morning.  My venti, non fat, no foam, extra hot, Starbucks chai tea sits on my desk, cold and forgotten. The phone won’t stop ringing.  Today is Friday for the love of God, and our members are still asking the same god-damn questions they’ve asked all week. 

Stage Direction:  My phone rings.

Me:  “Roadrunner and Coyote Insurance Company,  How can I help you?”
Member:  “Uh, yeah, can you tell me if my daughter is back on the plan?”
Me:  “I’m sorry, Sir, but I don’t see that Tiffany has been re-enrolled on the plan.  Did you return the “Affidavit of Employee Adult Children age 19 through age 25?”
Member:  (screaming into the receiver) “HONEY, DID YOU RETURN THE GOD DAMN FORM ??
Member:  “My wife says she returned that in September!”
Me:  “I’m sorry, sir, actually what you mailed to us in September was the survey we sent to you asking whether you were going to be re-enrolling your children between the ages of 19 and 26 due to the new health care reform act.”

Off stage whispering….”form, enroll, Obama, Tiffany”

Member:  No, wait a minute, my wife just told me that she mailed the form last week!”
Me:  “Was it notarized?”
Member:  (screaming into the receiver) “HONEY, DID YOU GET THE GOD DAMN FORM NOTARIZED ??  THIS LADY SAYS IT HAD TO BE NOTARIZED!!”
Member:  “She said she didn’t get it notarized.”
Me:  “I’m sorry, sir, but we are not able to accept it without a notary stamp or seal.  Please print out another form from our webpage and complete it, get it notarized and return it to us by January 31 or we won’t be able to re-enroll your daughter.”
Member:  “Why the hell do I have to get it notarized?  I’ve been a member of this union for 34 years and I’ve never had to get anything notarized before!! What, you can’t just take my word for it???!!  God damn Obama!”
Me:  Sir, actually if it weren’t for Mr. Obama’s new health care reform, your daughter would not be able to get insurance through this company as she is not a full-time college student.  The new plan allows children between the ages of 19 and 26 to re-enroll even if they are not in school as long as they are not offered insurance through an employer.”
Member:  {{{silence}}}
Me:  “Sir?”
Member:  “Well then, could you just put her new medical cards in the mail?”
Me:  Sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t send your daughter any cards until you return the signed and notarized affidavit.
Member:  {{{silence}}}
Me:  “Sir?”
Member: ” God damn …mutter, mutter…Obama…mutter, mutter” 
(Stage Direction) Phone SLAMS!!!
(Stage Direction) My phone rings.
Member:  “Uh, yeah, can you tell me if my daughter is back on the plan?”
(Stage Whisper):  Asshole, I know you just hung up on me and you have the brass iron balls to call me back and pretend you don’t recognize my voice?  How f00king stupid do you think I am? 
Me:  “Oh, I’m so sorry, sir, but I just spoke with you a moment ago and I believe we were disconnected.  Have you found the form on our website?
(Stage Direction)  Fade to black

You get the picture, right?

I should have ordered french fries too.

About JJ

“"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.'” William Butler Yeats
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10 Responses to Cheeseburger Helper

  1. Poolie says:

    Upgrade to a chocolate shake, woman!

  2. Good grief. We share the same customer pool – or at least our customers share the same gene pool, one in which somebody clearly peed.

  3. LA says:

    Oy. Honey, you don’t just need a cheeseburger, you need a whole Happy Meal with a big slug of bourbon in the diet coke. You’re a champ for facing this down every day, you know that? ~LA

    • JJ says:

      The bourbon sounds great but something tells me that I’d end up getting fired very quickly, ’cause I think I’m the funniest biotch in the room when I’m drinking!

  4. Bex says:

    I totally agree that a McD’s cheeseburger is certainly called for in your situation. I would have broken down long before the week was over! Wow. So this is your fate now for the foreseeable future? Answering this question on the phone? You have my total sympathy!

  5. I would have reached for the chocolate—ANY Chocolate!
    Very frustrating situation….No one listens and no one realizes what they need to do, anywhere….! Another Hamburger please….!

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