I went to church yesterday – 12:00 Mass.
I was crying by 12:05.
I’ve been avoiding going to Mass for over a year. I could blame it on the daily announcements of priests who have been arrested for being perverted pedophiles, but that’s not the reason. I know there are dirt bag priests out there, but there are also lots of dirt bag teachers and librarians and butchers and bakers and candlestick makers.
I could say that I’m just too damn lazy to get out of bed on Sunday morning, but that’s not the reason. I like to have a reason to get up and get moving on the weekends. I hate just lying around like a slug.
I could say that I don’t believe in my catholic religion anymore, but that’s not the reason. I’m a “12 years of Catholic school” Catholic. I bought the entire Baltimore Catechism lock, stock and barrel. It may not be sophisticated, but I’ll never change.
I stopped going to Mass over a year ago because I just cannot stand to see those families. I used to be the mom in the Catholic family who got the kids together every Sunday and took them to Church.. We all genuflected and marched into the pew and spent an hour together praying or just day dreaming…but we were together….a family. Life was busy and complicated, but my kids were close to me and I knew they were safe.
Now, my oldest son is living so far away from me in a very unhappy marriage. He has no money to live a decent life. He may or may not have a dependency on pain medication. His wife is either bipolar or just a horribly violent and spoiled brat.
My youngest son is moving out tomorrow. He’s moving in with one of his friends that he’s known through grade school, high school and some college. God knows what kind of people will be hanging at that apartment doing God knows what.
My daughter just picked out her engagement ring and she and her soon-to-be fiancé are looking at houses to rent. Granted, this is VERY good news and I am SO proud of her but I’m still going to miss her terribly.
So, what is my role now? This is so cliché, that I cringe when I think about it, but again, what is my role now? I was a daughter until I was 20, then a wife for 14 months and then I became a mother for the first time and I’ve been mothering for 32 years now.
Now, no one needs me. Sure, they may call me to ask me a question about teething or car insurance or rental agreements, but no one needs me to watch them in the baby pool or drive them to practice or sign a permission slip.
So, that’s why I cry at church. I see the families and I’m shocked that the time flew by so fast.
“Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I’m going through”
David Bowie from Changes