I just finished watching Oprah’s finale and now I’m crying. Not because Oprah’s show has ended – I really never watched it steadily. I’m crying because she talked about how much she loved what she did and we should all try to use our energy in a way that makes us feel happy and fulfilled.
I hate my job – you all know that. It is so horribly boring – I quote medical, dental and vision benefits all day. I answer questions about how claims were paid. I can do the job with my brain tied in a knot without even trying to think. I get screamed at by men and women daily. I’m told, that I work for them and so I had better figure out how I’m going to get the claim paid. Many of the women I work with are mean and boring. I get a print out from my supervisor every day that tells me how many phone calls I answered and how long I was away from my desk. I have to clock in and out when I go to the bathroom.
The last job that made me feel fulfilled and happy was when I worked in the high school library. Those kids needed me and made me laugh every day. My actions had reactions. The kids loved me and I loved the kids. My boss was intelligent and funny and we are still friends to this day.
So, I went to my psychiatrist or psychologist ( they can prescribe meds) and I told him I think I need to increase my magic beans. After an extensive interrogation that lasted 30 seconds, he doubled my efFexor. Yeah……that wasn’t the answer. I couldn’t eat or sleep for four days so I took myself back down to 75 milligrams.
My daughter, my best friend, is going to be moving out soon. My oldest son has no money and I haven’t seen my grandchildren since December. Popeye called me last night and asked me to pay their electric bill which has been shut off for two months – they’ve been living with her Mom. He may or may not show up for my mother’s 80th birthday party – but he did tell me that if he does come up he wants Hub and I to watch the kids so he and the Sea Hag can go to Penn’s Landing for a night out.
Of course, with my OCD personality, I am already worrying about having to babysit them. What if they get sick? What if they won’t go to bed? What if they stay up really late and I have to go to work in the morning and I haven’t had enough sleep?
I’m worried the Sea Hag will start crap at my mother’s party. I worry that something will go wrong at the party. I worry we’re going to forget something or the projector won’t work or my Dad won’t be able to come or….
Youngest son is going back to college – that’s a good thing, but since he already threw away $20,000.00 that we had paid towards his education, I’m pretty sure Hub isn’t going to want to help him out.
I’m having a huge addition built on my house and I don’t even want it but since they told Hub he can’t have his garage, and we had already remortgaged, we figured we might as well do something with the money. I wish I had just given it back to the bank and remortgaged again. What the hell do I need a big family room for if I’m not going to have and family here to enjoy it?
I’m sorry this is so fricken’ boring, but I am so sad and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can feel a panic attack niggling at the edges of my brain and I’m terrified.
Hub just cam home – now I have to tell him I’ll be writing a check to VA electric.