Crying

I just finished watching Oprah’s finale and now I’m crying.  Not because Oprah’s show has ended – I really never watched it steadily.  I’m crying because she talked about how much she loved what she did and we should all try to use our energy in a way that makes us feel happy and fulfilled.

I hate my job – you all know that.  It is so horribly boring – I quote medical, dental and vision benefits all day.  I answer questions about how claims were paid.  I can do the job with my brain tied in a knot without even trying to think.  I get screamed at by men and women daily.  I’m told, that I work for them and so I  had better figure out how I’m going to get the claim paid.  Many of the women I work with are mean and boring.  I get a print out from my supervisor every day that tells me how many phone calls I answered and how long I was away from my desk.  I have to clock in and out when I go to the bathroom.

The last job that made me feel fulfilled and happy was when I worked in the high school library.  Those kids needed me and made me laugh every day.  My actions had reactions.  The kids loved me and I loved the kids.  My boss was intelligent and funny and we are still friends to this day.

So, I went to my psychiatrist or psychologist ( they can prescribe meds) and I told him I think I need to increase my magic beans.  After an extensive interrogation that lasted 30 seconds, he doubled my efFexor.  Yeah……that wasn’t the answer.  I couldn’t eat or sleep for four days so I took myself back down to 75 milligrams.

My daughter, my best friend, is going to be moving out soon.  My oldest son has no money and I haven’t seen my grandchildren since December.  Popeye called me last night and asked me to pay their electric bill which has been shut off for two months – they’ve been living with her Mom.  He may or may not show up for my mother’s 80th birthday party – but he did tell me that if he does come up he wants Hub and I to watch the kids so he and the Sea Hag can go to Penn’s Landing for a night out.

Of course, with my OCD personality, I am already worrying about having to babysit them.  What if they get sick?  What if they won’t go to bed?  What if they stay up really late and I have to go to work in the morning and I haven’t had enough sleep? 

I’m worried the Sea Hag will start crap at my mother’s party.  I worry that something will go wrong at the party.  I worry we’re going to forget something or the projector won’t work or my Dad won’t be able to come or….

Youngest son is going back to college – that’s a good thing, but since he already threw away $20,000.00 that we had paid towards his education, I’m pretty sure Hub isn’t going to want to help him out.

I’m having a huge addition built on my house and I don’t even want it but since they told Hub he can’t have his garage, and we had already remortgaged, we figured we might as well do something with the money.  I wish I had just given it back to the bank and remortgaged again.  What the hell do I need a big family room for if I’m not going to have and family here to enjoy it?

I’m sorry this is so fricken’ boring, but I am so sad and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I can feel a panic attack niggling at the edges of my brain and I’m terrified.

Hub just cam home – now I have to tell him I’ll be writing a check to VA electric.

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About JJ

“"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.'” William Butler Yeats
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10 Responses to Crying

  1. Poundheadhere says:

    Oh sweetie, I wish I could come give you a big hug and make you magically happy. Unfortunately no one has that power except you. You can’t change Sea Hag but you can change your income options to more livable terms. You are literate, articulate and intelligent. Start watching for opportunities. I promise they are there

    • JJ says:

      It’s scary to think about leaving my job but what I have to ask myself is whether it’s scarier to stay where I am untilI retire. Thanks for the support – it truly helps!

  2. catsoul says:

    Joan, let it go, it will be alright, and it is alright to worry, don’t we all. Have you ever thought of going back to the library and working there, the school or public library? I so feel what you wrote, sit with Lola. Take care. =^..^=

    • JJ says:

      I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have to get past my mother’s 80th birthday celebration before I can breathe again.

  3. Bex says:

    I spent most of my life worrying about things too. So I know where you are coming from. Luckily, I happened to marry a man who worries about nothing. He is the opposite of me. I have learned a good lesson from him. Don’t worry about what you cannot change. Don’t worry about future things happening or not happening. He showed me this by example, not verbally, and it has taken me 25 years to realize he was right. I am much happier now that i don’t worry about every little thing anymore. Except when the Red Sox are losing, or are about to lose, and then I get quite crazy. But otherwise, I’ve made a total turn-around. And my job has to be as boring as yours, all I do for hours and hours is sit on my (fat) a$$ and type medical reports – over and over and over. But I’ve trained my brain to play, mentally, in other areas whilst I type. It works for me! I wish you luck. And don’t obsess about everything. You can only do so much to right the world around you.

    • JJ says:

      Thanks, Bex. I am trying to avoid the “what ifs”…but I’ve been doing it my whole life – it’s a hard habit to break! My Hub doesn’t worry about much either – I think he just figures I do enough worrying for the both of us. :-{

  4. LA says:

    Hope dumping it here helped a little. Sometimes when I get wound up like that a good emotional barf in my blog helps me find my balance again. Seeing it written out and acknowledging how little control I have over anything but myself is soothing. ~LA

  5. poolagirl says:

    Wish you love and self-compassion right now. I am holding you in my thoughts.

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