I think my vagina is failing me…or maybe it’s not my vagina – maybe it’s my bladder. All I know is that I pushed three kids out of this ol’ vagina 33, 24 and 22 years ago. It worked fine then, but it’s failing me now.

I have this damn, violent, bronchial cough and every time I cough I think I’m peeing myself. What the hell is that??????I mean really, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

Isn’t that something really, really, really, really old women do?? Didn’t Betty White or Florence Henderson or Bea Arthur or Marlo Thomas or someone old and decrepit like that do a commercial for this?? Am I going to start having diapers delivered to my house in brown packaging????

I mean really, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

I googled those flabby vagina exercises that women are supposed to do to tighten up but I just keep coming up with pictures of Jewish pastries.

How the hell is a pastry supposed to help my flabby vagina?

And then someone told me I might start experiencing vagina farts – a sound or feeling of air being expelled from your vagina. It’s called a Fwaaaaaa. I’m not kidding about this ladies – there’s a NAME for this.

I mean really, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

It’s bad enough that when Hub and I have sex, I’m so dry, it sounds like I’m sanding my high school’s gymnasium floor with a nail file, now I have to deal with Fwaaaaaaaaa?????


About JJ

“"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.'” William Butler Yeats
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13 Responses to Fwaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  1. yankeechick says:

    Allow me to correct you……they are called “Varts” where I come from.
    And NO…..it is NOT a really, really, really, really old woman thing to leak a bit when coughing up a lung. Happens to me and I’m ‘only 59’! LMAO But only if I have a full bladder when the coughing commences. Really, Joan…..don’t blame your poor vagina. It’s that bladder that is the culprit.
    But the dry thing CAN cause Varts at an inopportune moment, among other minor discomforts. You simply need an occasional ‘lube job’ from the feminine hygiene aisle at your friendly neighborhood Wal*Mart. Carry on……….

  2. Well, being a really ‘Old Fart’ myelf—(No, not as old as Betty White…but….) I hate to tell you—The Bladder and the Uretha both just get ALL relaxed-like……Pee yourself??? You don’t know the half of it! And When that began happening to me I was jusr like you…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??????
    Well….at the age I’m at, I’ve had to ‘make friends’ with it….But it makes me feel ANCIENT!!!!!!
    The Fwaaa’s or Varts…I’m not having that problem—perhaps it’s because there is no one to have sex with anymore….!!(lol)…Not really funny….but….you just have to laugh or you’ll cry your eyes out! I feel like I have returned to Babyhood….OY VEY!

  3. Robin (originally from South Philly) says:

    You may have a prolapsed bladder. Several years ago a urologist (?) said I have this condition. He suggested surgery — I decided “no thank you.” It hasn’t been *that* bothersome (except when very full bladder). Oh, and Kegel exercises may help. Welcome to your senior years…it only gets better. NOT!!!!
    Google-ing flabby vagina exercises = Jewish pastries? I’m not going “there” in my though process. Oy vey iz mir.

    • JJ says:

      I actually knew it was something like kogel or kugel or kegel, but I couldn’t remember what the word was! That’s how I ended up with the Jewish pastries! Hahahahaha!

  4. I always heard that vagina farts were called queefs. But what do I know? I have dealt with the pee-when-cough thing for a heck of a long time. It sucks, In lieu of surgery I reverted to sanitary napkins if I have a cold or other cough-causing bug.

  5. Poolie says:

    Here I am at 4:00 in the morning reading this on my cell phone! Thank goodness I had just peed before I opened your page!

    • JJ says:

      Hahaha!!!! Queef queef!!! Sounds like a sound a duck with a stuffed nose would make!! Checking that Iphone at 4:00?? Yep, you’re hooked!

  6. kathy says:

    Yep. Queefs. I knew that.

    I had bladder repair surgery eons ago. My bladder was trying to leave my body via the Queef tunnel!

  7. Joan says:

    It’s nice to see what I have to look forward to. Upside is when your vagina starts talking back to you is that you don’t have to go around trying to make new friends.

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